How to Get in Contact With Dr Phil

Firooz Zahedi

Phil McGraw has worn multiple hats in his 57 years — college football star, clinical psychologist, trial consultant, best-selling author, talk show phenomenon. But in the most basic ways, he is still pretty much like every guy on Earth: reluctant to admit he's lost, and even more reluctant to ask for directions.

Sitting in a hotel bar waiting for her husband, Robin McGraw looks at her watch. "He's running late," she says apologetically, then suddenly a look of revelation spreads across her face. With an intuition honed over 30 years of marriage, she knows exactly where her husband is.

"I'll bet you anything he's sitting in the bar on the other side of the lobby," she says, raising an eyebrow. "Even though I told him to turn left when he got off the elevator...." An assistant is dispatched to check, and sure enough, five minutes later, Dr. Phil walks in sheepishly.

Why had he sat alone for so long in what was obviously the wrong place? "Well, I thought maybe you were in the ladies' room or something," he says with a shrug.

Robin just shakes her head and laughs. They've been a team for a lifetime, he pursuing a career that's culminated in his long-running hit TV show, Dr. Phil; she raising their two children, Jay, now 28, and Jordan, 21. Their respect for each other is obvious. To Robin, the man she married when she was just 23 is always Phillip, never Phil. He, in turn, treats her with deference, reaching out to touch her arm frequently as they talk.

But their successful partnership doesn't mean they're always in harmony. Robin, 51, has the infectious enthusiasm of a cheerleader: "When something good happens, she literally dances around," Phil drawls. "She'll actually moonwalk through the kitchen." He, on the other hand, prefers to do his dancing on the inside, and sometimes that's not enough for his wife. "I'll be bouncing around," she says, "then I'll look at him and say, 'Come on, you gotta give me something! Show me something!' But he'll just stand there and say, 'Yeah, I'm real happy,' and that's it. That's all."

For this, Phil is unapologetic. "She's always known I'm not the kind of guy who is going to cry with her at movies, or hold our babies and gush," he says. Robin isn't fazed by his occasional gruffness. "I know his heart," she says. "I can take one look at him and know how happy he is."

In his years of private practice and counseling troubled couples on the show, Phil has learned a thing or two about how to make a relationship last. But to see him with his wife is to understand that he's probably learned the most at home. Here, Dr. Phil and Robin McGraw talk about the five biggest obstacles to a happy marriage, and share their insights on how to build a better bond.

Next page: Problem 1: Unrealistic Expectations

Problem 1: Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Phil: If you ask me, that's the one major reason why marriages fail. If people fail to prepare themselves for the hard work that is required, that's the biggest problem. If you've gone into a marriage and you haven't been clear about how you're going to handle money, how you want to raise kids, who is going to work or stay home or what have you, then you've set yourself up for failure.

The good news is you can still get on the same page. But to do that, you have to be realistic about what a marriage is. If you're sitting there thinking that it's supposed to be date nights and rose petals all over the bed and all good times, you are bound to be seriously disappointed. There is nothing wrong with your marriage if you're dealing with bills and kids and the broken garbage disposal and in-laws and work demands. That's a normal marriage. But if you never thought that's what marriage would involve, then you're going to be upset and you're going to think there's something wrong. So right away, you need to get clear: This isn't a long date. It's a marriage.

Robin: Phillip and I were together two and a half, almost three, years before we got married, and we used that entire time to learn. It was important that I learn about what sort of husband he wanted to be, and for him to learn what kind of wife I wanted to be, and what kind of mother I wanted to be, how I wanted to live my life as his wife. And then we were able to approach it from a point of "How do we want to create this life together?"

Dr. Phil: And it's never too late to do that. It's not too late to sit down with your husband and say, "I think we need to come to an understanding about what I can give to you, and what you can give to me, and what we can really expect from each other." That's a whole lot better than walking around resenting each other because you've got unrealistic expectations that aren't being met. And I think it's important to talk about potential problems while you're in smooth water. Don't wait until you're in a crisis to come up with a crisis plan.

Next page: Problem 2: Money Miseries

Problem 2: Money Miseries

Dr. Phil: Couples just don't know what to expect when it comes to handling money in a marriage. They don't realize what it takes to set up a household. They don't realize how expensive it is to have children. And so before long, racking up debt has become a way of life, and they're so mired down that it can feel hopeless.

But the answer is, they've got to come up with a plan that they'll commit to, and have the emotional integrity to stick with that plan. Look, it's math, it's not magic. It's not: We need this, we deserve this, we want this. You either have the money or you don't. I mean, I grew up really poor, and so did Robin, so we were on a cash basis growing up. It was: You work today, you eat today. You don't work today, you don't eat today. It's just that simple.

So first, you have to get real about what a fixed expense is. Because frankly, there aren't many. Food and shelter, that's about it. Cable TV is not a fixed expense. Your cell phone is not a fixed expense. Internet access is not a fixed expense. If you're trying to get out of debt, you have to be willing to treat everything as expendable.

Then sit down and say, "OK, here's how much we have, and that leaves discretionary income of X, whether it's $10 a week or $100 a week." If you say you've got $60 a week to spend on groceries, do not wind up spending $80. And be in this together: You make the plan together, you negotiate it, you execute it, and you live by it together. Don't make it about how he has to stop spending so much or you need more money for your hobbies. Be in it together, and come up with a realistic plan. And if you can't stick to it, sit down with your spouse and renegotiate. Don't make it about blame or recrimination. Make sure you both realize that you're in this together.

Robin: One thing that I think was always very important in our relationship is that when it came to money, just because I didn't work outside the home didn't mean I wasn't contributing to the well-being of the household. The day we got married, I quit my job and quit school and then I was a stay-at-home mom. But Phillip never had the attitude or the opinion that it was his money and he would bring it home and tell me what to do with it.

You do have to negotiate whenever an issue comes up. Don't just spend the money and then say, "Hey, this is what it costs, deal with it." Talk things over beforehand. I ran our household budget, and he really didn't have the first idea about what anything would cost, so we would have ongoing conversations about what I needed to buy, and what he needed to expect.

Dr. Phil: It's fine for one person to be the money manager, the person who actually pays the bills. But it still has to be a partnership. I hate it when I meet with a couple and one of them says, "Oh, well, he handles all the bills." Well, you know what? You both need to participate in this plan. And when you're both aware that the electric bill is going to cost you $40 this month, it'll get a lot easier not to blow $40 on beer that night.

Next page: Problem 3: Family Members Who Meddle

Problem 3: Family Members Who Meddle

Dr. Phil: First of all, I don't believe in divided loyalties. When you get married, your loyalty, first and foremost, is to your spouse, and to the family that you create together. You know the saying that good fences make good neighbors? Well, sometimes electrified fences make for good in-laws. Now, that's not to say that you shouldn't be close to your family. But if you're in a situation where your mother-in-law is constantly butting into your life and offering opinions, and you feel like your husband is always siding with her rather than you…. Guess whose problem that is? It's not yours. It's your husband's.

Each person should take care of their own family tree, because you've got the most history with your mom, and he's got the most history with his parents. Therefore, if you've got a mother who is just on your husband's case all the time about this or that, or how you ought to be raising your kids, step up and say something to her. Don't make it your husband's battle. And accordingly, if your mother-in-law is getting on your last nerve, say to your husband: "She's your mother, you get her to back off." If he says, "Well, but you're the one that has a problem with her; you work it out" — no, no, no. Make it clear: She's your mother, you get her under control. You get her outside the electric fence; you get her to stop encroaching on our life.

Robin: Our oldest son, Jay, is married now, so I'm able to offer the mother-in-law's perspective. When Jay and Erica were first engaged, people were joking with me because I've wanted a grandchild for as long as I can remember....

Dr. Phil: You've wanted one since the day we got married.

Robin: So when they announced that they were engaged, I immediately started saying, "Oh, I want a grandbaby! I want a grandbaby!" But that wasn't fair of me. I said to her later, "I want to apologize, because it wasn't right for me to say that, even in jest. I don't want you to think that I'd put that kind of pressure on you or make you uncomfortable." And I know she appreciated the fact that I showed her that respect, and that I was willing to take that step back.

Dr. Phil: It's great if the in-laws themselves put up boundaries. But if they won't, it's up to their grown kids to do it, and enforce them.

Next page: Problem 4: Kids Who Won't Listen

Problem 4: Kids Who Won't Listen

Dr. Phil: If parents aren't united in terms of discipline, rewards, lifestyle, focus, morals, values — all the things that ultimately define who that child becomes — then the child is going to be a product of inconsistency, and that creates confusion.

The number one situation to avoid is any sort of good-cop, bad-cop parenting setup, where Mom's always kind of indulgent and Dad is a harsh drill sergeant. Kids won't get it: This is OK for me to do when Mom's here, but not OK when Dad's here? Children want stability, they want predictability, they want consistency. They want to know that parents speak with one voice — and let me say that this even applies in a divorce situation. What is the law in one household should be the law in the other; parents can be divorced but still remain united in what is and is not OK for their kids.

But negotiations about what sort of rules and discipline you're going to enforce need to take place outside of a child's presence. Go off and make these decisions, then come back and execute them with one voice. If you disagree, discuss it in private, and realize that it's OK to have different attitudes and opinions about things. I mean, for instance, Robin spoiled our boys terribly....

Robin: Oh, that is so not true. And meanwhile, they had you wrapped around their little fingers....

Dr. Phil: But any time they asked for something, we were together on it.

Robin: They'd come to me and say, "Can we do this?" and I'd say, "I'll talk to your father about it, and we'll get back to you." And I'd just see their faces fall because they already knew they hadn't been able to play us off each other.

Dr. Phil: You know how a mouse can squish himself down and squeeze through the smallest crack in the house? Kids are the same way. You give them a little crack of daylight between the two of you, and they'll work their way in there and separate the two halves. And you absolutely have to recognize that manipulation when it comes, and you've got to close ranks. Now, the question is how do you come to an agreement about what your position is going to be?

Let me tell you, I was in private practice for years with parents who were fighting over how to discipline their kids. One of them would want it to be one way, and the other one would want it the other way — and the truth is, neither of them were within a country mile of what was in the kids' best interest. It's good to realize that a little bit of your approach and a little bit of his approach will usually get you to the right place, which is somewhere in the middle. So you're not as strict as one of you might want, but you're not as lax, either.

Robin: This is going to sound old-fashioned, but there are certain things that a father is going to understand better and certain things a mother is going to understand better, and you should respect that. I remember one time, Jay was still little and he said he wanted to quit a sports team he was on. I thought, Well, that sounds fine — he's still young and he's going to try lots of different sports and he'll figure out what works best. But I mentioned it to Phillip and right away he said, "No! That's not what you do — if you commit to a team, you stay on the team. A boy should stick to his commitments and not let his team down."

Dr. Phil: And when the boys started dating, you were there to tell them how a girl wants to be treated. For instance, the day of a dance....

Robin: I always told the boys to call their date the morning of the dance, just to tell her how excited they were about seeing her that night. And to always find out what she was wearing, what color, so they could get the right flowers....

Dr. Phil: They would roll their eyes at me and say, "Dad, do I really have to call her? I'm going to see her in a few hours, do I have to talk to her on the phone and act all excited?" And I'd say, "Listen to your mother. Go ahead and do it."

You have to come together on this. And more than anything else, don't make someone else the heavy. No one should ever say, "Wait until your father gets home," or "Wait until I tell your mother what you did." That is just so unfair. Don't make your partner the villain — or yourself the saint either, where you're saying, "I'd get you the puppy, but Daddy would be mad." It's unfair to throw the other parent under the bus because you don't have the guts to jointly own the decision.

Next page: Problem 5: Career Concerns

Problem 5: Career Concerns

Dr. Phil: Obviously, a lot has been said about the guilt some stay-at-home moms feel — how they wrongly say things like, "I'm just a housewife," or "I'm just a mom," when, clearly, that's so false: The work a stay-at-home mom does in caring for a family and a home is tremendous and exhausting and awe-inspiring. It's the toughest job I know, because you start early and you work late 365 days a year. You couldn't pay me enough to do that job.

But women who return to the workplace often feel hugely guilty, too, and that can put a lot of strain on a marriage, especially if her spouse is sitting there feeling resentful that she has a life outside of her home and her family.

Whether you work inside or outside the home, the important thing is that before you can have a conversation with your husband about it, you have to have one with yourself. You've got to look inside and ask, "What do I want?" If you're staying home out of guilt because you feel like that's the only way to be a good mom, then you're cheating yourself and your kids. I always tell women: If you love your children, then take care of their mother. If you deny yourself the opportunity to feel fulfilled, to feel like you're using your gifts, your skills, and your abilities, then your kids are going to get a mother that's got an emptiness to her; they're going to get a mother that has a lot of frustration in her life.

So it's OK to embrace a return to the workplace. Even if you've returned to work not out of choice but because you need the money, you can choose to see your job as a chance to be around adults, to get away and recharge your batteries. And sometimes it's just good not to have to cut up someone's food at lunchtime.

You know, I talked to a mother not long ago, and she said, "My children are 6 years old and I've never spent a single night away from them." She was proud of that, but, listen, it's not a good thing. Kids need to know that you can go away and you come back. And you need to know that you can go away and they won't shrivel up and die. It's OK for them to depend on other people, as well as you.

But if you have a husband who is resentful of the time you spend at work, who expects you to be the sole cook, sole housekeeper, sole caretaker for everyone, then it's up to you to get his expectations in line. See, it all comes back to having realistic expectations. If your husband thinks you can work, and care for your kids, and care for him, and do it all on your own, then he needs a reality check. And that's up to you: You teach people how to treat you. So if he's sitting there, expecting you to fetch him a drink, it's because you've taught him that you'll be fetching it for him. And that can change tonight. He's got arms, he's got legs, he can get up off the recliner and get it himself.

Robin: I never had any resentment about the fact that I had chosen to stay home. But I think a lot of women who don't work outside the home need to focus on remembering who they are. Remember: You can choose to stay at home and still feel entitled to equal say in the decisions that are made for your family. You are more than worth it.

Still got marriage on your mind? Check out our new column about married life at goodhousekeeping.com/marriageblog.

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How to Get in Contact With Dr Phil

Source: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/advice/a17544/dr-phil-marriage-makeover/

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