Simpsons When You Tell a Lie You Make Baby Jesus Cry Clip

The Greatest Line Every 'Simpsons' Character Ever Delivered

And nosotros mean every Simpsons graphic symbol.

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Tomorrow, FXX begins its 12-day marathon of every Simpsons episode ever. This is in itself a monumental and staggering challenge, and nosotros take already produced a guide on how to handle it. But this revived Simpsons mania led me down an even deeper, darker garden path: an endeavour to painstakingly catalogue the funniest line spoken by every of import Simpsons character, from the v main family members to the recesses of the vast recurring bandage. Every choice is, of class, utterly definitive, and I'yard sure no one will accept whatsoever objections to them. But I take annotated virtually of them just in case in that location is fence. Read on, hopefully with a mix of horror and please.

Homer Simpson

"Everything lasts forever."
—Homer the Slap-up (Season 6, Episode 12), in response to Lisa's warning, "Dad I know you think you're happy at present, but it'due south non gonna concluding forever!"
[there is no ane greatest Homer line, I admit. This serenity exchange in the centre of the Stonecutters episode has long been a personal favorite]

Marge Simpson

"Listen to your female parent, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no one volition even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. If yous want some butter information technology'south under my face."
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Season 8, Episode 11), after her pretzel business fails.
[whenever we become a glimpse into Marge'southward deep, merely usually hidden, well of darkness and depression is unremarkably when she's at her funniest]

Lisa Simpson

"If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room."
—Bart Gets Famous (Season 5, Episode 12), later the whole bandage recite their catchphrases.
[Lisa is perhaps the best character on The Simpsons, partly because she nigh doesn't desire to take part]

Bart Simpson

"I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda."
—Bart Sells His Soul (Season seven, Episode 4), subsequently Lisa quotes Pablo Neruda to him.
[Bart is the almost catchphrase-y character only makes me laugh the most when he'due south being dry]

Grandfather Simpson

"I can't await to eat that monkey."
—Girly Edition (Season 9, Episode 21), after meeting his new helper monkey Mojo.
[I besides considered the line nigh beingness "with it" from Homerpalooza, merely that's just a brilliant piece of writing, less grapheme-specific]

Charles Montgomery Burns

"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
—Rosebud (Season 5, Episode 4), after beingness given a profane birthday concert by The Ramones.
[impossible to choose, but at that place's something and so perfect most the combination of casual evil and cultural unawareness here]

Waylon Smithers

"Uh, no, they're proverb, 'Boo-urns! Boo-urns!'"
—A Star is Burns (Season 6, Episode eighteen), reassuring his boss of his popularity.
[his best line, but it's rarely attributed to him]

Seymour Skinner

"Attending, students, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the primary's office. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn information technology, I wish nosotros hadn't allow the students name that i."
—Lisa on Ice (Flavor half dozen, Episode 8), making a school proclamation.
[but he did, and so he'll follow the rules nigh information technology]

Agnes Skinner

"Oh my name'due south Agnes, and you lot know information technology's Agnes! Information technology means lamb! Lamb of God!"
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Season 8, Episode 11), when Marge forgets her name
[very close betwixt this and, from the same episode,"Gimbels is gone, Marge…LONG gone. You lot're Gimbels!"]

Krusty the Clown

"Sex Cauldron?! I thought they closed that place downwardly!"
—Grade School Confidential (Season 8, Episode 19), after Maude spells out the words "sex" and "children."
[my favorite character. I could make full an commodity with his lines]

Sideshow Bob

"Oh, cousin Merl, really!"
—Brother From Another Series (Season 8, Episode 16), after his construction site co-worker says his dead smellhound has "gone to heaven."
[nosotros should build whole cities in tribute to the manner Kelsey Grammer delivers this line]

Sideshow Mel

"Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well I'g not agape to tell you, yous're a- [Bleep]"
—I Love Lisa (Season four, Episode fifteen), drunk on "wowie juice" in a never-earlier-seen Krusty the Clown clip
[Sideshow Mel is very funny but simply because he's so serious]

Patty Bouvier

"There goes the final lingering thread of my heterosexuality."
—Treehouse of Horror III (Season iv, Episode 5), spoken every bit Homer runs by naked.
[it would only take her twelve more years to address this publicly!]

Selma Bouvier

"So call me Mrs. Scum."
—Black Widower (Flavor 3, Episode 21), after Bart warns her against marrying Sideshow Bob, who Bart calls "scum."
[Selma is possibly the more tragic of the Bouvier twins, although her optimism regarding men is beauteous]

Ned Flanders

"It's good for keepin' downward the urges!"
—A Milhouse Divided (Season 8, Episode vi), in reference to cornstarch.
[about a throwaway in the episode, but there's so much to think almost there]

Maude Flanders

"Unflavored for me!"
—Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Season 7, Episode iii), putting in an order for non-fat water ice milk.
[she was the perfect adult female for him]

Rod Flemish region

"Iron helps united states of america play!"
—Lisa'southward First Give-and-take (Season 4, Episode x), running to eat liver for dinner.

Todd Flanders

"Daddy says die are wicked!"
—My Sister, My Sitter (Season 8, Episode 17), playing board games with Lisa.
[it's more Moe's line just I likewise love "my freakin' ears!"]

Reverend Lovejoy

"Ned, have you lot considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same."
—Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Season 7, Episode three), giving spiritual advice to Ned.
[all his best lines are along these parameters]

Helen Lovejoy

"Information technology's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human being body, which, applied as they may be, are evil!"
—Itchy and Scratchy and Marge (Season ii, Episode 9), discussing Michaelangelo'southward David.
[Helen's hysterical delivery is crucial to everything she does, such as the much-quoted line linked higher up]

Clancy Wiggum

"Bake 'em away, toys!"
—Cape Feare (Season 5, Episode 2), overriding Bart's social club of "take 'em away, boys!"
[perfect in its simplicity]

Ralph Wiggum

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw i of the babies and then the baby looked at me"
—Class Schoolhouse Confidential (Season viii, Episode 19), afterward witnessing a makeout session in a janitor'southward closet.
[the most over-quoted Simpsons graphic symbol, but he has a ton of great moments]

Groundskeeper Willie

"Give me that, you noodle-armed choir-male child!"
—The Joy of Sect (Season 9, Episode xiii), fighting with Reverend Lovejoy over who gets to crush the cult programming out of Homer.
[followed by Reverend Lovejoy calling him "Mr. Kilt"]

Barney Gumble

"LORD PALMERSTON!"
—Homer at the Bat (Flavour three, Episode 17), debating England's greatest Prime Minister with Wade Boggs.
[the best version of the 'stupid guy is smart' joke ever]

Apu

"Ah. The searing kiss of hot atomic number 82; how I missed you. I hateful, I think I'1000 dying."
—Homer and Apu (Flavour 5, Episode 13), later on being shot.
[I love Apu jokes that center on his brave and vehement occupation]

Moe

"I'thou better than dirt. Well, most kinds of clay, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff."
—Team Homer (Season seven, Episode 12), evaluating his status in life.
[right behind Krusty in the "favorite grapheme" and "endlessly funny lines" categories]

Kirk Van Houten

"It's nobility! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?"
—A Milhouse Divided (Flavor 8, Episode 6), trying to draw the concept of "dignity" for his wife.
[this whole scene is a masterpiece, and "Can I Borrow a Feeling" isn't really a quote]

Luann Van Houten

"I'm sad, I'm non every bit smart every bit you, Kirk. We didn't all become to Gudger College."
—A Milhouse Divided (Flavour 8, Episode 6), failing to judge Kirk's "dignity" inkling.
[Gudger Higher is fictional, but that proper noun is perfect]

Milhouse Van Houten

"Everything'due south coming up Milhouse!"
—Mom and Pop Art (Season 10, Episode 9), when his flood pants continue his cuffs "bone-dry."
[sometimes information technology's best to get with the greatest hits]

Lionel Hutz

"He's had information technology in for me always since I kinda ran over his canis familiaris. Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly,' and the discussion 'domestic dog' with 'son.'"
—Marge in Chains (Flavor 4, Episode 21), discussing his relationship with Estimate Snyder.
[how do you lot pick simply one Hutz line? Information technology'due south impossible]

Troy McClure

"Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow always got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you lot care about!"
—Lisa the Vegetarian (Season 7, Episode 5), advocating against vegetarianism.
[just as impossible, but this whole fake newsreel is my favorite Troy McClure scene]

Lenny Leonard

"Ow, my middle! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!"
—Homer vs. Dignity (Season 12, Episode 5), as pudding is hurled at his center.
[a wonderful directly man and fall guy]

Carl Carlson

"Aw, basics. I hateful...aw, nuts."
—Mountain of Madness (Season viii, Episode 12), later he is partnered with Lenny in a team-building do.
[Carl's relationship with Lenny is so dense and complicated and largely unspoken]

Kent Brockman

"But miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The authorities calls it the Army, but a more alarmist proper noun would be...the Killbot Factory."
—Homer Loves Flanders (Season five, Episode 16)
[other obvious choices include "insect overlords" and "democracy simply doesn't work," but this is an one-time personal favorite. Thanks to his job on the bear witness, Kent is ane of the best sources of one-liners]

Edna Krabappel

"She'south faking."
—Bart's Friend Falls In Love (Season 3, Episode 23), watching a sex education video with her fourth-graders.
[actually, all yous demand is "HAH!"]

Miss Hoover

"I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent give-and-take."
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Season seven, Episode 16), endorsing the utilise of the word "embiggens."
[pretty much every bully Miss Hoover moment hinges on her utter apathy]

Superintendent Chalmers

"Oh, I take had information technology, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The depression test scores, class later on class of ugly, ugly children!"
—Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Flavour 5, Episode nineteen), evaluating Springfield Elementary.
[the greatest Utican to ever appear on goggle box]

Comic Book Guy

"Ohhh, I've wasted my life."
—Treehouse of Horror 8 (Season 9, Episode iv), seconds before he is obliterated by a neutron bomb.
[a shut-runner upward is "I can give you this telephone. Information technology is shaped like Mary Worth."]

Professor Frink

"Please, I have a funny story, if you'll listen? I even wrote theme music, heed! Ahem. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink, Professor Frink, he'll make you laugh, he'll make you think, he likes to run, and then the thing, with the...person? Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay"
—22 Short Films About Springfield (Season 7, Episode 21), missing his chance at debuting his spinoff "The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink."
[it's all about the delivery with Frink, just I wish nosotros could have seen this bear witness]

Dr. Hibbert

"Too crazy for Boy'southward Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Boondocks!"
—Treehouse of Horror 7 (Flavor eight, Episode ane), describing Bart'due south evil twin.
[Hibbert's not really with the jokes, but he'due south then quietly demented]

Nelson Muntz

"I 'unno. Gotta nuke somethin'."
—Lisa's Date With Destiny (Flavour 8, Episode 7), defending his "Nuke the Whales" poster.
[gotta nuke somethin'!]

Fatty Tony

"You have 24 hours to give us our money. And to prove you lot nosotros're serious… you have 12 hours."
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Flavor 8, Episode 11), giving Marge a mob ultimatum.
[he'south legendarily keen throughout this episode]

Body of water Captain

"Arr, I don't know what I'm doin'."
—Male child-Scouts North the Hood (Flavor v, Episode 8), after a gunkhole he'southward trying to sell to Homer sinks.
[for a homo whose name is an occupation, the Sea Captain has held many jobs over the years]

Luigi

"Hey Salvatore! Get the ugly kid a platter of the red crap-a!"
—Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Season v, Episode 19), putting in an order for Bart'southward food.
[likewise: "Yeah, you run into how you scum"]

Jasper

"Sidewalk'due south for regular walkin', non for fancy walkin'."
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Part 2 (Season seven, Episode one), as Smithers approaches him drunkenly.
[Jasper is a secret fountain of great quotes]

Gil Gunderson

"Ah, they stole the balloon! I've been living in in that location! [hot plate falls from the airship] Oh, lord, my hot plate! I only had ii payments left!"
—Natural Born Kissers (Flavor ix, Episode 25), after Homer and Marge steal his hot air balloon.
[same for Gil. Recall his rusty Colecovisions]

Joe Quimby

"Can't we accept one meeting that doesn't end with usa digging up a corpse?
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Season 7, Episode 16), afterwards the town decides to dig up Jebediah Springfield's corpse.
[Quimby has never said anything that wasn't funny]

The Bluish-Haired Lawyer

"Please sign these papers indicating that yous did not save Itchy & Scratchy."
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Flavour 8, Episode 14), after Roger Myers Jr. tells Lisa she saved Itchy & Scratchy.
[I dearest the blue-haired lawyer.]

Martin Prince

"Ooh! Selection me, Teacher! I'm ever so smart!"
—The Final Temptation of Homer (Flavour 5, Episode 9), calling out in class.
[Team Discovery Channel!]

Uter

"Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!"
—Lisa on Ice (Flavour 6, Episode 8), beingness chased by Homer the towel-snapper in the gym
[Uter might non have another bully line, merely he's got this ane]

Jimbo

"That is so gay!"
—Lisa's Date With Destiny (Flavor 8, Episode seven), upon witnessing Nelson kiss a girl.
[probably the funniest of the bully trio]

Hans Moleman

"I demand the biggest seed bell you have. ...No, that's too big."
—Itchy & Scratchy Land (Flavor half dozen, Episode iv), under attack from predatory birds
[only thinking about what they said on the other side of this phone call puts me in hysterics]

Otto

"Wow, I had mustard?"
—The Otto Testify (Flavour iii, Episode 22), upon existence told the merely possessions in his apartment were a jar of mustard and old motorcycle magazines.
[not a lot of funny Otto lines!]

Disco Stu

"Disco Stu doesn't advertise."
—2 Bad Neighbors (Season seven, Episode 13), rejecting Homer's "Disco Stud" jacket which is missing a D because he ran out of rhinestones.
[a hilarious one-joke appearance that should have ended there]

Dr. Nick

"When you were in that coma, did y'all feel your brain getting damaged?"
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Part 2 (Season 7, Episode 1), inspecting a catatonic Mr. Burns.
[i of the best one-joke characters]

Lunchlady Doris

"More than testicles ways more fe."
—Sweet Seymour Skinner'south Baadasssss Song (Flavour v, Episode 19), preparing lunch from a barrel of horse testicles.
[only don't forget her promoting the "bunly goodness" of a hot dog bun]

Duffman

"Duffman... can't breathe! OH no!"
—Pygmoelian (Flavour eleven, Episode 16), afterwards Moe puts a suffocating sticker on his face up.
[some other one-joke character who maybe should have died with this appearance]

Snake

"She needs premium, dude! Premium! Dude!"
— Realty Bites (Flavour ix, Episode 9), when Homer buys his car at auction.

Database

"I brand it a point never to turn my head unless I expect to run into something, Bart."
—Bart's Comet (Season 6, Episode xiv), after Bart tells him to look at the comet out the window.
[what a persnickety nerd. Officially Matt Groening's least favorite character]

Cletus

"Hey, I can call my ma from up here. HEY MA, GET OFF THE DANG ROOF!"
—22 Curt Films Most Springfield (Season 7, Episode 21), climbing a phone pole.

Kang

"Information technology does not matter which way yous vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed!"
—Treehouse of Horror VII (Flavor 8, Episode 1), as Bob Dole, discussing American democracy
[the aliens' all-time episode is when they're dressed as Clinton and Dole, but it counts]

Kodos

"My fellow Americans. As a young male child, I dreamed of existence a baseball, merely this evening I say, we must motion forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom."
—Treehouse of Horror Seven (Flavor 8, Episode 1), as Bill Clinton, making his pitch to the American people.
[run into to a higher place]

Poochie

"Hey kids, e'er recycle. TO THE EXTREME!"
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Testify (Flavor 8, Episode 14), giving young people advice.
[because he technically didn't say "I have to go now. My planet needs me."]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

"But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd impale me."
—Krusty Gets Kancelled (Flavour 4, Episode 22), when a taco he sold is returned.
[there's perchance a better one, but everything that comes out of this child'due south mouth works]

Sarcastic Guy

"Bingo bango, sugar in the gas tank. The ex-hubby strikes again!"
—Bart the Lover (Season iii, Episode 16), assisting Edna with her car.
[the Sarcastic Guy is ane of the best surreptitious Simpsons characters]

Rainier Wolfcastle

"My eyes! The goggles exercise zilch!"
—Radioactive Human being (Season 7, Episode 2), as he is carried away by a wave of acrid
[let's end things here.]

Countless cheers to Joe Reid and my Twitter followers in helping me compile this maddening project.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2014/08/the-greatest-line-every-simpsons-character-ever-delivered/378879/